Esther perel marriage adviceIf you’re like most people, you want your marriage to be happy and successful. But what does that mean, and how do you achieve it?In this blog post, we’ll explore some of the advice of marriage therapist Esther Perel. Perel is one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, and she has a lot of wisdom to share on what makes marriages work.So if you’re curious about what the secret to a successful marriage might be, read on. And be sure to check out the rest of the article for more insights from Perel.
Embrace imperfection
Esther Perel wrote The State of Affairs: How To Ensure A Lasting Marriage after her own divorce. While many books and articles preach the importance of communication and prioritizing your relationship, Perel takes it a step further by recognizing the importance of imperfect romantic partners. While being in love is a beautiful thing, it’s not the only way to have a successful relationship. Perel argues that you don’t need to be in love with your partner to have a successful marriage. In fact, it’s the imperfections that can help you maintain your relationship.
Know that you are enough
Esther Perel is an author and a therapist, and her book The State of a Marriage: What We Can Do to Rebuild It is a deep dive into how to keep a marriage strong and vibrant. One of the things Perel says she finds most common in successful marriages is a deep sense of self-acceptance, which is a cornerstone for a loving relationship. Knowing that you are enough is essential for having a confident and strong relationship.
Do what you love
The way you feel about something is often inextricably linked to the actions you take in any given moment. If you’re not loving your job, it’s unlikely you’ll spend most of your time on it. If you feel unfulfilled in your relationship, it’s likely that you won’t spend your time focusing on things that make you feel closer. The idea that you can do something to change how you feel about something is a misconception, and it’s one that Esther Perel helps to dismantle in her book The State of Affairs: How We Reclaim Relevant Relationships.
Trust your instincts
Establishing trust is no easy feat, especially when trust is broken and it feels like there’s no possibility of recovery. But trust is a choice, and it’s possible to cultivate trust in all kinds of relationships, even romantic ones. The key is to remember that you won’t be able to build trust in a relationship if you’re unwilling to do the work. The best way to start building trust is to be vulnerable with each other. Tell each other what you’re feeling, even if it means that you have to face some harsh truths about how you’re feeling. And listen to each other without judgment. When you do this, you’re laying the foundation for a relationship where you can feel safe to express your needs and be heard and understood.
Don’t compare yourself to others
It’s easy to get caught up in the hype surrounding our culture of constant comparison. We compare ourselves to what’s around us, what other people are doing, or what we think we should be doing. Sometimes we even compare ourselves to our own past selves. But none of these comparisons will actually help us know where we fit in the grand scheme of things. And while it’s perfectly natural to have moments of self-doubt, it’s important to keep in mind that every human being is unique and that we all have different strengths and weaknesses. And these differences are what make us so special and beautiful.
Don’t compare your marriage to others’
It’s impossible to compare any marriage to another. Every relationship and every marriage is unique and different. We can’t judge another person’s marriage based on our own. Our partners are not here to make us feel good about ourselves or our marriage, and they’re not here to judge us either. That’s the beauty of marriage—it’s a relationship between two people that neither of them can judge.
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You have something special
There are a lot of people who are unhappy in their marriages. Some are even unhappy because they are in unhappy relationships. That can be a problem, but it doesn’t have to be if you understand that everyone is different. Some people need more attention than others, or like things organized a certain way. Whatever your particular issue is, if you recognize that your spouse has a similar problem, it can work to your benefit. You can help each other work towards a solution that works for both of you.
You don’t have to find love
I think one of the biggest mistakes people make when they’re looking to have a great relationship is to compare themselves to other people. We often think, “If I could just find the right person, my marriage would be perfect.” But it doesn’t work that way. Just as two pieces of a puzzle need to fit together perfectly, two people also need to fit together perfectly. You can’t just pick up another person off the shelf and expect your relationship to work. People come into our lives for a reason, and if a person isn’t a fit for you, you’re not meant to be with them. It may take time, but you’ll find the right partner when you stop comparing yourself to others.
Keep your standards high
The more you lower your expectations of your partner, the more disappointed you will be when they fail to meet your needs. If you lower your standards to those of your parents, your children will do the same. And marriage is a downward spiral if your partner doesn’t meet your high expectations. They won’t feel loved if you don’t expect them to love you unconditionally.
Give your romantic relationship your full attention
If you want to have a successful marriage, and a deeper connection with your partner, you need to learn to put your partner’s needs and wishes before your own. This means giving your romantic relationship your full attention when it comes to how you spend your time, your energy, your attention, and your love. It means that you can’t do or think about anything else but your partner when you’re together.
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Cut down on distractions
You’re much more likely to be happy if you invest a large portion of your time in your relationship. Set aside time for date nights, for example, or for a weekly “snack date” in front of the TV. Focus on your partner and your love instead of what’s going on around you. There will always be other things to do, but if you make prioritizing your relationship a high priority, you will be more likely to be satisfied with your partner.
Take time to really talk
Having an intimate conversation can be intimidating but it’s important for a relationship to be a safe environment where partners can express their feelings and ask questions. The more comfortable you feel discussing sensitive issues, the more you’ll be able to tackle any problems that come up. Try to schedule regular check-ins with your partner to talk about your day, what you’re feeling, and what you’re looking forward to. If you’re not able to talk, consider seeing a counselor. Just as therapy can help you learn how to talk to your friends and family, it can help you learn how to talk to your partner about anything that’s making your relationship difficult.
Do what you love
When you do what you love, you don’t burn out or get bored. You’re more likely to put in the hours of hard work needed to make your relationship successful. So, consider what activities you love doing together and do more of them. Or, think about a pastime you both loved doing and try to bring back that feeling.
Avoid comparing your relationship to others
One of the biggest mistakes people make in a relationship is to compare their partner to someone else they once were in love with. If you find yourself doing this, take a moment to remember this is the person you chose to be with. Your romantic partner is the most incredible person you have ever met and deserves all of your love, admiration and respect. They deserve to be treated as the amazing person they are and not as someone else they were in the past.
Don’t wait to talk about sex
The first step to a successful sex life is to talk about it. The more communication you have about your sexual needs and desires, the more you can create a sexual relationship that works for you. And if you’re not talking about sex, your sexual relationship is doomed to fail. For example, if you’re not comfortable talking about sex with your partner, it’s going to be extremely difficult to have sex. This leads to frustration on both sides, and sex will end up feeling mechanical and forced. And if you’re not comfortable talking about sex with your partner, you’re not going to know what they like and want. And that will also result in frustration.
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When to start having sex and when to hold off
The answer to this question depends entirely on your relationship. If you’re new to being intimate with each other, it’s important to talk about when you each want to have sex and when you’d prefer to abstain. You might find that you’re more interested in sex after a romantic evening or when the kids are in bed, so talk about your preferences and discuss when would be the best time for sex for each of you. If you’re already in a committed relationship, your sex life should be whatever you both want it to be. Couples should have sex when they feel like it, not when they feel like they’re “supposed” to.
Talking with your child about sex
It may sound redundant but it is important to talk to your children about sex starting when they are very young. Discussing sex with young children allows them to know what is appropriate and what is not, and helps them to feel safe and secure about their bodies. It allows them to feel comfortable asking questions and gives them the opportunity to learn how to talk to their parents about sex. This is especially important for boys, since many of them learn about sex from pornography and other sources.
Who to talk to
Before sex, talk to your partner about what they want, and what feels good. Even if you don’t feel like you want to have sex right now, talk about your sexual fantasies and what you’re looking for and see if you can find a way to meet in the middle. For women, it’s important to feel safe and to know that your partner will never force you to do something you don’t want to do. For men, it’s important to listen to women’s bodies and to know that they won’t pressure them to do something they’re not ready for.
What to talk about
The number one thing that most couples struggle with is sexual communication. It does not matter if your sex life is fantastic or a complete disaster—if you don’t talk about sex, you’re not going to have a great sex life. In fact, you’ll likely end up having sex the way you talked about it before—on autopilot—which is not very much fun at all.
In conclusion, Esther Perel believes that the key to a successful marriage is communication and understanding. If you are having trouble communicating with your spouse, she suggests seeking out counseling or therapy. If you are able to effectively communicate with your spouse, you will likely find that your marriage will be much happier and more successful.
