Tips to stop arguing with your spouse: how to communicate better.Arguing with your spouse is never fun. It can be frustrating, hurtful, and even scary at times. But it doesn’t have to be this way. There are things you can do to communicate better with your spouse, and to stop arguing altogether.If you’re tired of arguing with your spouse, check out these tips on how to communicate better. You may be surprised at how much of a difference just a few simple changes can make.
Keep your expectations in check
It may sound simple, but expecting one thing from your spouse when they’re giving you something different is a sure-fire way to get angry. Whether it’s something as simple as a conversation or something more complex like chores or kids, expecting your spouse to do things according to your wishes will inevitably lead to frustration and conflict. It is extremely important, especially in long-lasting relationships, to keep your expectations in check. That way, even if your spouse does not do things the way you would, you won’t automatically assume the worst and become frustrated.
Know what you can realistically accomplish
If you’re an optimist, you might think that you can make your partner fall in love with you if you just try hard enough. But if you’re a realist, you know that expecting your spouse to change overnight isn’t realistic. Know what you realistically expect from your partner and don’t beat yourself up if they aren’t able to meet your high expectations.
Take your time
We all have different learning styles, and unfortunately, being quick on your feet doesn’t mean you’re right. To prevent conflict, remember that your spouse is also likely to take their time in responding, so be patient and allow them time to think before responding to your argument. Sometimes, it’s best to wait 24 hours before responding to an argument just to give your partner a chance to calm down and think about what they really want.
Have realistic goals
The best way to stop an argument is to prevent it in the first place. Know where you stand and what is important to you. If you expect your partner to do something, then communicate that clearly and set realistic expectations. If you don’t have a strong sense of what you want from your partner, it will be difficult to argue sensibly. Take some time to sit down and think about what you want from your relationship. Then, talk to your partner about what you want and expect from them.
Avoid fights about little things
Just because you weren’t the one who left the dishes in the sink, it doesn’t mean you are entitled to an argument that night. Or the one who doesn’t clean up after the kids because it’s your day off. A healthy relationship requires communication and equal effort and responsibility from each partner. If you have a huge to-do list and your spouse has no intention of pitching in, you may need to reevaluate your priorities. And if someone else is making a mess, don’t turn around and point the finger at your partner. Conflicts that are really about little things will quickly escalate. But if you can learn how to talk about the little things that cause conflict, you will soon be able to tackle bigger issues.
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Talk about what you can do to please each other
As a general rule, you should avoid disagreements about little things. It’s usually very simple to fix what’s wrong, and the other person usually just needs to know how you feel. For example, if there’s a lot of clutter in your home and you’re consistently asking your spouse to clean up, you need to let them know how frustrated you are about it. You can express your frustration in a calm manner and ask them to help you with the chore. If they say that it’s not their job, you need to explain how important it is for you to have a clean house and how it affects your mood.
Look at the big picture
No matter what the argument is about, it’s important to try to look at the bigger picture. You may think that your spouse is being unfair about something, but a part of you knows that you may be misinterpreting the situation. If you try to remember that you may be misinterpreting your spouse’s behavior, you may be able to find a way to resolve the conflict without continuing to fight.
Take time to talk
If you argue over the little things, chances are you’re having other problems that need to be addressed. You may have hurt feelings or be having difficulty with trust, for example. It’s important to take the time to talk about your feelings and the issues that are really driving you nuts. Sometimes just speaking to someone about your concerns can help you understand them better.
Avoid power struggles
Power struggles are a common form of conflict in relationships and they usually happen when one partner feels one or more of their needs aren’t being met. When this happens, they will try to get their needs met by controlling the conversation or by trying to overpower their partner. This type of conflict can be avoided if both partners learn to be flexible, compromise on their point of view and understand that they can’t always get their needs met. To avoid power struggles, learn to express your feelings in a way that doesn’t cause your partner to feel defensive. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking your mind, learn to ask for what you need instead of expecting your partner to read your mind.
Keep your cool
It’s not easy to not feel angry when your partner says something that makes you feel angry, especially if that comment is something personal. Try to remember that your partner doesn’t know how you feel unless you say it, and that your partner isn’t intentionally trying to hurt you. Your spouse will be less likely to argue if you express your feelings in a calm, rational manner. Try not to let your anger get the best of you, especially in front of your children. If you find yourself becoming angry, try to take a deep breath and walk away for a short time until you can calm down.
Practice self-control
If you find yourself getting angry in an argument, try stopping and focusing on something else. Try to remember the reasons why you wanted to argue with your spouse in the first place. If you do start to argue, think about what you really want and how you can express your feelings in a way that won’t make the situation worse.
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Avoid impulsive and risky decisions
If you are the one who tends to get angry or argue, you need to be careful not to make rash decisions. For example, if you say something that hurts your partner’s feelings, apologize immediately. Do not add fuel to the fire by saying something you don’t really mean. Your partner may have already forgotten about the incident, which is why you should make sure not to remind them of it.
Stop negative thinking
A common way that people argue is that they allow their imaginations to run wild. It’s easy to think about how you would respond to a situation if you hadn’t already made up your mind and all you’re doing is trying to “win” an argument. When people argue with themselves, they let their emotions run unchecked. They argue because they’re angry, hurt, or frustrated. They argue because they’re anxious or stressed. And they argue because they’re tired and just don’t have the energy to engage in a calm discussion.
Work on your patience
Are you a quick-tempered person? Are you easily irritated? It’s hard to argue with people who are hot-headed and quick to lose their cool. While it’s tempting to respond to conflict with anger, it’s critical that you learn to control your temper. We all have triggers that can cause us to lose our cool, and the best thing we can do is work on controlling these triggers. You can practice self-control by paying attention to your triggers and recognizing when you’re about to lose your cool. If you notice yourself about to argue, take a deep breath and count to 10 before responding. You may be surprised at how much better you feel.
Don’t compare yourself with others
When you compare yourself to others, it inevitably leads to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Focus on what you have instead of what you don’t have. Try to remember how you felt when you were younger and how your parents treated you. You might have felt happy and content. Focus on what you can do to make your spouse feel the same way.
Exercise self-discipline
The first step in stopping an argument with your spouse is to practice self-discipline. We all have things that we want to do, and we all have things that we need to do. However, some people argue about everything for no apparent reason. If you find yourself in this situation, you need to practice self-discipline. Start with little issues and work your way up to bigger issues. For example, if you have a habit of getting angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, practice not getting angry. Even if your spouse is the one driving, calmly let them know that you have a problem with it. You can ask them to slow down if they are driving too fast. The best way to stop an argument is prevent it from happening in the first place.
Don’t bring up the past
If you want to argue about something your spouse said or did in the past, bring it up during a conversation. Not during an argument. If something your spouse said or did in the past triggers you, discuss it when things are calm. This does not mean you have to let the issue go completely. However, you should discuss it when the issue is not an argument in progress.
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Try to avoid dwelling on old hurts
It can be very challenging to talk about negative experiences when you’re trying to move forward. While it can be cathartic to talk about past hurts, dwelling on them can cause an argument to take on a life of its own. When you are angry, you have less control over what you say and how you react to people’s comments. Try not to get angry and instead focus on what you want to say and how you want to be treated.
Keep your stories current and relevant
Just because something happened in the past doesn’t mean it’s still relevant today. You can say things like, “I still remember the time your aunt made us all watch The Wizard of Oz for a week because she thought it would help you develop speaking skills. It didn’t. Plus, I still have nightmares about the scene where the scarecrow melts!” If you bring up an argument from years ago, be prepared to discuss why that incident is relevant in the present. If it continues to be relevant, then maybe there’s something about your attitude or your partner’s that isn’t right. Maybe you’re holding onto anger or bitterness from that event and now it’s hurting both of you.
Don’t bring up old hurts to get your way
We all have issues that come back to haunt us. We’ve all been hurt somewhere in the past, and it can be hard for us to let those wounds completely heal. The best thing you can do to stop arguments and make sure you’re getting what you want is to address the root of the issue. Don’t bring up something that happened in the past to get your way today. If you find yourself getting angry about something that happened long ago, find a way to talk about it that isn’t related to the present. Your partner won’t be able to help you with old wounds if they have no idea what you’re even talking about.
Be careful how you respond
One thing that will cause conflict is trying to argue with or defend your point of view. You can’t argue with what your spouse says they remember. It’s impossible. Your spouse is the one with all the memories. You don’t have to defend your point of view. And you definitely don’t want to argue with your spouse. Just let the matter go. Ask for clarification or help remembering. And if you can’t get the information you need, let it go. You don’t need to argue to get your point across. You can ask for help and understanding.
Take time to listen
If you’re having trouble figuring out how to resolve conflict or how to talk about what’s upsetting you, try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and really listen. You might be saying one thing, but your body is sending you a different message. Ask your spouse what they think is going on, and be willing to change your point of view or even apologize if you realize you’re wrong.
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Ask questions
Asking questions can demonstrate that you care more about your spouse’s feelings and thoughts than getting your own way. Let your partner know how important it is for you to understand what they are feeling and why. Even if your partner seems to be angry or frustrated, they still likely have underlying feelings about what is happening. By asking questions, you can help them express their feelings in a way that they can better understand and process.
Let them talk
It can be really hard when your spouse is trying to talk but you’re not really listening. Try putting down the book you’re reading or the TV you’re watching and really focus on what they’re saying. This can be incredibly frustrating for them so be willing to put in the effort to be more present in your conversation.
Make eye contact
Being able to look your partner in the eye when you discuss an issue is incredibly important. It shows your spouse that you’re paying attention and that you’re not trying to ignore them. It also shows that you care about what they’re saying and are willing to listen. If you can’t make eye contact, it may make your partner feel as if they’re being ignored or condescended to.
Reflect what you hear
After listening to what your spouse is saying, try to reflect the feelings you heard them express. Try to express your feelings in a loving manner and without criticism. Your goal should be to understand one another and help each other reach a mutual agreement.
In conclusion, if you find yourself arguing with your spouse more than you would like, try out some of these tips to communicate better. Hopefully, by doing so, you can reduce the amount of arguments you have and live a happier life together.
